Introvert CEO Shares 7 Secrets to Social Networking

Anyone can learn the skills to connect with absolute strangers at business events

Photo by Product School on Unsplash

Most business networking books will preach you to be open, talkative, and self-assertive when meeting new people.

The problem? These books are written by extroverts, but they are bought by introverts.

I bought and read dozens of them.

As an introverted founder and CEO of a tech company for over ten years, I forced myself to learn two indispensable business skills: networking and sales. Naturally, this meant connecting with new people — often with absolute strangers — at networking events, sales pitches, and trade shows.

But you don’t need years of struggle and experience to become a good communicator. Nor do you need to read shelf-loads of self-help books.

This is the article I wish I’d read instead of most of those books.

Here is the skinny: effective communication with strangers in the business world boils down to seven points. Follow them, and you’ll find new customers and business partners wherever your job takes you.

9 out of 10 managers are pressured to behave like extroverts.

However, The Myers-Briggs Company revealed 56,8% of the world prefers introversion. Even some of the world’s most prominent and successful leaders, including Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, are believed to be introverts.

What makes introverts great conversation partners?

Introverts are amazing listeners. Therefore, they can build deeper connections with other people. Introverts enrich any conversation by adding depth, writes Dr. Mike Bechtle in his book Confident Conversation. Without introverts, a world of networking would be poor and superficial.

Therefore, if you are a socially reserved entrepreneur like me, know that you’re valuable.

And yet, there’s something to be aware of.

The brain of an introvert works differently than an extrovert’s brain. Extraverts gain energy by being in the crowd — they crave social interactions. Introverts, instead gain energy when they are in solitude. Intense social gatherings will exhaust them.

A strategy that always helps me is going for a long walk or reading a light book to clear my head and recharge my batteries after hours of networking.

“What was your biggest regret in life?”

Bronnie Ware, an Australian palliative nurse, asked this to her patients before they died. She concluded that most patients regretted not having the courage to live a life true to themselves.

I used to pretend to be a successful and knowledgeable person in every conversation. I followed the motto, “fake it until you make it.” I stressed myself into making others think well of me. But the more I tried to control what others thought and felt, the more frustrated I became.

The purpose of the conversation is not to sell how clever you are.

It’s to connect with the other person.

And you cannot truly connect with someone if you say things that do not match how you think and feel. Moreover, being inauthentic creates inner distress and psychological tension, writes the psychologist Stephen Joseph in his bestseller Authentic.

Inauthentic communication is frustrating, unhealthy, and ineffective.

Why struggle so hard to be someone else? I am not responsible for how the other person feels about me. It’s so much easier to be myself.

In the wise words of Steve Jobs: “Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your inner voice. And, most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”

So embrace your personality and explore ways to capitalize on it in every conversation.

The scariest part of every conversation with a stranger is your first sentence.

Fear of rejection and appearing foolish are the most common reasons people are reluctant to approach others at business events.

But humans crave connections. By approaching another person, we satisfy their inner needs. We all want conversations to work out.

Imagine a person standing alone at an event. They are staring at their phone.

You might think this person is busy and prefers to be left alone, so you decide not to intrude.

However, they aren’t alone because they prefer it this way. Why did they come to a networking event? They could’ve stayed home or in their hotel room. They will most likely welcome a chance to talk — especially if you made the first move.

The best conversation openers relate to the situation at hand.

Ask them where they know the event host from. Ask them how their traffic was to the location. Ask them what brings them to the event. Ask them which company they work for and what they do.

When we join a networking event, we often feel like lone strugglers in a room full of self-confident communicators. But believe me, most of the people in the room feel the same way. Most of them have the same fear of rejection.

Use situational openers and nothing bad will happen to you. The worst possible thing is they apologize that they’re busy. Then you move on to someone else.

I love day-hiking in the Alps.

When I go out into the wilderness, I often don’t know what I’ll find. This makes my trips very exciting.

My adventures don’t need tons of equipment. I only need what’s necessary to survive: a phone with GPS, a bottle of water, and my survival kit.

The same principle applies to any conversation.

Most people believe that they need to be well-prepared by having a ton of topics in their backpacks. But you don’t need to know a thousand books or be the most brilliant or most successful person in the room to connect with other people.

All you need is an open, authentic mindset.

I used to care too much about what I could share in a conversation. But I was missing the point. It was never about me.

It’s always about them.

Like in hiking, the goal of a conversation is to be an explorer according to Mike Bechtle. You are a tourist entering someone’s mind when you start a conversation with a stranger. So ask lots of questions. Get to know their opinions and experiences. Explore.

Asking questions is also much easier than thinking of the next smart thing to say.

And the best questions are open-ended.

Poor conversations are jammed with closed-ended questions.

Such questions demand only a short factual answer. Do you work in company X? Yes. How long have you been working there? Five years. Do you like it? Yes.

Do you see the problem? You are doing most of the talking, and it feels like an interrogation.

So ask open-ended questions. They encourage the other person to expand their thoughts. They give them more freedom to decide how much they want to share with you, so they feel more comfortable around you.

What are the challenges of being a sales manager at company X? What is the culture in your company? How is your company coping with the pandemic? They can write an article answering each of these questions.

Open-ended questions are more pleasant, especially if you are an introvert. They make the other person speak in longer bursts, so you relax and listen to what they have to say.

God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason: to listen more and talk less.

In school, they teach us how to give speeches but they don’t teach us how to listen well. Therefore, most of the problems in a conversation happen because we don’t listen.

Based on Mike Bechtle’s book Confident Conversation, I summarized a list of things to keep your listening skills in check:

• Eye Contact: Maintain good eye contact and face the other person.
• Be Curious: Respond to what they say by asking for more details.
• Expose Your Emotions: Show the lively facial expressions of a real human being.
• Show Empathy: Don’t give unsolicited advice after you hear someone’s problem — instead, show empathy and ask them how they feel about it and how they plan to solve it.
• Let Them Finish: Don’t interrupt them, and never finish their sentences for them.
• Focus: Don’t glaze around and don’t get distracted by what is happening around you; focus on your conversation partner, pretend there is no one else in the room.

I often made the mistake of looking around while the other person was talking — as if I was trying to escape. A psychologist explained to me this was normal behavior for an introvert. Our subconscious wants to avoid the stress of talking to a stranger.

But to the person you are talking to, this behavior is disrespectful.

So focus on your conversation partner and block everything else around you.

When the conversation is going great, we feel that we could continue for hours.

However, sooner or later, even the best conversation drains out of topics and starts a downward spiral. The worst you can do is leave after a few seconds of silence when there is nothing left to say.

Before this happens, it is best to leave the conversation on a high note.

By taking off early, you remain in their eyes as an engaging communicator and listener, leaving the other person willing to keep in touch with you.

For example, you could say: “I’ve never met someone who knew so much about [topic X]. It’s been interesting to hear about your experiences. Unfortunately, I need to move now because I would like to meet someone else before the event is over. It was great meeting you — enjoy your evening.”

Sure, ending a good conversation is hard.

We have just summoned all our willpower to approach a complete stranger. We developed trust and started to feel safe with a new conversation partner. And now we have to do this all over again?

But the point of networking is to gain as much insight from other people as people. Remember, you are an explorer, and a real explorer doesn’t sit out in a cave until it’s over.

So yes, this requires us to leave a conversation and move on but you can always come back to this person later. For now, go on and explore other people’s minds.

Mike’s excellent book boils down the principles of effective conversation to the following two points:

• Understand and accept who you are and
• Understand and accept your conversation partner.

To help yourself become a more effective networker, keep the following things in mind next time you go to a business event:

1. Introverts are in a unique position to enrich a conversation because they are good listeners. People love good listeners. But remember to take enough breaks from social interactions to recharge yourself.
2. Be yourself. Don’t try to pretend to be someone else. The easiest and most effective way to communicate is by being honest. Embrace your personality in every conversation.
3. Opening a conversation is easier than you think. Ask questions related to the situation — for example, the information on their name badge, the event, the food served during lunch, or their opinion about the speech you both heard. The possibilities are endless.
4. Focus on them. The best way to keep a conversation going is to take the role of an explorer. Ask lots of questions about the other person: their opinion, experience, views. It is easier than preparing a ton of smart things to say.
5. Ask open-ended questions. Let others speak while you relax and listen to what they have to say.
6. Keep your listening skills in check. Don’t interrupt, show empathy and genuine interest, and keep your body language focused on your conversation partner.
7. End on a high note. Leave the stage as a great communicator and keep them craving for more.

Remember, networking isn’t a complicated skill. The desire to connect with others and feel understood is deeply engraved in our human nature. So anyone can do it because you already have what it takes inside you.

Follow the seven points above and find what works best for you. Start small. Experiment. Follow your own pace. You’ll soon find yourself more confident and successful at networking events.

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